Joke Of The Day

[Ray]

The Fence

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know...

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[paphioboy]

:rollhappy: :rollhappy: :rollhappy:

 

[SlipperFan]

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: , the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use

 

[tomkalina]

Woman Survives Grizzly bear attack

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.
These are her own words.:

While out hiking in Alaska with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

I love that pistol, I'll find other boyfriends.

 

[likespaphs]

that reminds me of the old joke.....

several guys were camping when all of a sudden they hear a bear tearing through a tent near their tent. one guy takes off running. the second puts on his shoes, ties then, then starts running.
when he catches up with the first guy, the first guy asks, "why did you put on your shoes instead of just running?! you could have outrun the bear!"
second guy says, "i don't have to be faster than the bear, i just have to be faster than you!"

 

[orchidsimplicit]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing


your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says,
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you
pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

(I love this part....)



She answered, "Only when he's been drinking."

Ha Ha Ha, I've heard it before but I laugh every time I hear it!! :clap: :rollhappy:

 

[Ray]

Men In Heaven

When everybody on earth passed on and was waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.” “One line for the men who were true heads of their households, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were only the two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long while in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

 

[hbozeman]

I was on a plane, just after takeoff, when the guy sitting next to me started chuckling. He was not reading, no cell phone, no computer, nothing...he just started chuckling. A few minutes later, he laughed out loud. Later, he broke out into a hearty laugh. After he calmed down from that one, and a few minutes passed, he had an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

I could not stand it any longer, so I said to him, "Something must be funny." He responded, "Sorry if I am bothering you, but I'm just telling myself jokes."

Then I said, "That last one must have been really funny!"

He responded, "Yeah, I'd never heard that one before!"

 

[orcoholic]

A kid comes home from Hebrew School and tells his mother that he just got a part in a play as the husband.

The mother tells him to go back and get a speaking part.

 

[cnycharles]

Now now, husbands do at least say 'yes, dear'

Sherlock Holmes and Watson once went on a camping trip in the open British countryside at Holmes' doctors' request; he needed to relax, get out and not over-analyze things.

Holmes woke up one night, looked up and said 'Ah, Watson, what a beautiful sight!'
Watson upon waking looked up, grumbled and said, 'Holmes, what do you see?' Watson commented on the beauty of the stars, the shining moon, the light glowing through the clouds. He then started propounding on whether the constellations were merely recognized familiar symbols by chance alignment by viewer from a particular spot in the universe, or whether God had placed each painstakingly, and.. -
Watson finally interrupted:
'Holmes don't be daft - someone's stolen our tent!'

-courtesy of Ravi Zacharias, slight editorial changes (couldn't remember)

 

[cnycharles]

We've had ants getting into our office and on my desk. I found some windex and started zapping them as they ran across the top. One day last week my boss sees what I'm doing, smiles and asks "are you Greek?" I hadn't seen the movie...

 

[Ray]

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Which window gets the blinds?"

 

[SFLguy]

What did one orphan say to the other?
"Robin, get in the Batmobile"

 

[Marco]

I told myself this morning. "No more plants"

 

[Stone]

blackadder line

''One often forgets what one should say. Sir Thomas Moore for instance - burned alive at the stake for refusing to recant his catholisism - must have been kicking himself as the flames crept higher, that it never occured to him to say, ''I recant my catholisism!''

 

[cnycharles]

Someone burning is funny?

 

[Stone]

Someone burning is funny?

Wow really? I guess I should have known.

 

[cnycharles]

Belittling death in any manner lacks humor and degrades ones self as well. The person in the intended joke had far more honor and integrity than you or I any many others of our time put together. His decisions like millions of others who died and are dying presently were made fully knowing that it would likely cause their death; they were not caught off guard, and they really had no other choice if they truly had the beliefs they did. If people are true they don't cast their beliefs to the wind; Mr. More didn't recant, the words on his lips were what he knew already what he was going to say as he began to burn. The intended joke implies that he was a fool for not casting off his beliefs like most of our cultures that hold to nothing except fame and fortune; the opposite was true that the one belief was the most important thing in this world and all else is straining at the wind

 

[Lanmark]

What I've learned is that preaching at someone is a one-way conversation leaving one side feeling self-righteous and the other side misunderstood.



...and now for my joke:

Preacher: "Can everyone hear me at the back?"
Voice from the back: "Yes, but I wouldn't mind changing seats with someone who can't."

 

[Stone]

Belittling death in any manner lacks humor

For who? you? Tell that to Woody Allen. You have no idea what you are talking about.

and degrades ones self as well. The person in the intended joke had far more honor and integrity than you or I any many others of our time put together. His decisions like millions of others who died and are dying presently were made fully knowing that it would likely cause their death; they were not caught off guard, and they really had no other choice if they truly had the beliefs they did. If people are true they don't cast their beliefs to the wind; Mr. More didn't recant, the words on his lips were what he knew already what he was going to say as he began to burn. The intended joke implies that he was a fool for not casting off his beliefs like most of our cultures that hold to nothing except fame and fortune; the opposite was true that the one belief was the most important thing in this world and all else is straining at the wind

Man you really picked the wrong person to preach to. What a pile of sanctimonious drivle.