Joke Of The Day

Slippertalk Orchid Forum

Help Support Slippertalk Orchid Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
Where did piss poor come from ?

older people need to learn something new every day...
Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...
If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
Could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests
And would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes,
So for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
And guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
And eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was "considered a dead ringer.
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~
Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.
Smile, it gives your face something to do!
 
origin of words

We use lots of words from various sources, but did you ever wonder where some of the more colorful ones come from?

Way back when they used fertilizers, much as we do today. Back in the days of sailing ships one of the few, if not the only source of good fertilizers was manure. When they shipped it cost was calculated by weight. To save money the manure was dried and packed tightly in burlap. After being put into the hold of these old leaky ships the manure would sometimes get wet, and the result was methane trapped in the hold. On occasion it was someones job to go into the hold and check to make sure that the cargo had not shifted. Not having flashlights at the time they would go down with a kerosene lantern and BOOM! The latern ignited the methane and ships were severely damaged if not destryed. It didn't take long to figure this out. Afterwards the bundles containing manure were labeled with the antgram S.H.I.T., meaning ship high in transit; i.e. above the waterline so they wouldn't create methane and blow up the ship!

If anyone is interested in more similar info just let me know;
I'M FULL OF IT!!!
 
In front of a very old prestigious institute of higher learning there were 2 statues; a nude man and a nude woman. They had stood at the entrance of the univevsity for over 100 years through blistering hot summers, torrential rains and tremendous blizzards. One day an angel descended from heaven and said to them 'You have been standing guard at the doors of knowledge for over a century'. 'You have never complained, through all that nature has thrown at you, stood by and watched generations of scholars coming and going without even a thought of leaving your post'. 'It has been decided that you will be given life for one hour to do whatever you wish as a reward for your steadfastness'. With a snap of his fingers the two statues came to life. The man statue smiled at the lady statue. She winked at him and they grasped hands as they headed towards the bushes behind thier pedistals. For 45 minutes the angel stood watch and heard giggling, laughter, and obvious sounds of pleasure as the bushes shook and leaves flew. The couple emerged from the bushes, the look of satisfaction was clearly etched on thier faces. As they climbed upon thier pedistals ready to stand for another century the angel smiled and said 'you know, you still have 15 minutes...' The man statue shrugged his shoulders and as they headed back towards the bushes the woman statue said 'Okay, but this time YOU hold the pidgeon down and I'LL **** on it's head!'
 
Blondie Comes Through Again

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She said that she didn't know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it’s right there.' The mechanic fainted.

(Click Here)
 
A brunette walks into the doctors office and says 'Doc, I think I broke every bone in my body'. The doctor asks her to explain and she replies 'When I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my elbow, it hurts. As a matter of fact every time I touch any part of my body it hurts.' The doctor gives her a look and a smile and asks 'Do you by any chance color your hair, are you naturally blonde?' 'Why yes, how could you tell?' The doctor looks at her and says 'Because you broke your finger.' :poke:
 
A paraprosdokian (from Greek meaning "beyond" and "expectation") is
a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or
reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or
dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anti-climax . For this reason, it is
extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only
change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning
of a particular word, creating a syllepsis. (Wikipedia)

Examples

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but
you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if
you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and
a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
ubject: What starts with F and ends with K.


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, having trouble with one of
her students
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter Than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what The situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog Does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,..................... I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
 
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
 
Little Girl on an Airplane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
 
Tools' Functioning Accurately Described

Another one floating around....

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE POLISHING WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a ***** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily, so he asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
Flying

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
 
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in their boat fishing, chewing 'bacca, and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says ...

"I think I'm gonna divorce the wife – she ain't spoke to me in over two months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says ...

"Better think that over, Bubba ... women like that are hard to find."
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings
and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...
I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand
if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who owns this phone?............."
 

Latest posts

Back
Top