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'That which rocks dream about' - Aristotle
Elmer Nj
'That which rocks dream about' - Aristotle
Elmer Nj
'Two Australians once appeared before the pearly gates. Saint Peter and his aide were quite surprised, not expecting them and weren't sure what to do. Peter questioned them, to which they said well why don't you go find God and get this straightened out?
Peters aide thought this was a good idea so off they went. God didn't see them on his lists, so back they went to the pearly gates.
Only problem was, the Australians were both gone
And so were the pearly gates
(From an Australian source
)
Elmer Nj
Peters aide thought this was a good idea so off they went. God didn't see them on his lists, so back they went to the pearly gates.
Only problem was, the Australians were both gone
And so were the pearly gates
(From an Australian source
)Elmer Nj
SlipperFan
Addicted
Need a laugh today?
A lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the lady, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the female driver.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the lady's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the lady walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the lady.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the lady. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
A lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the lady, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the female driver.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the lady's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the lady walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the lady.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the lady. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
Another recent truck bumper sticker
D. A. D. D. -
"Dads against Daughters Dating"
D. A. D. D. -
"Dads against Daughters Dating"
Another bumper sticker wisdom but not a joke - 'the best things in life are not things'
Elmer Nj
Elmer Nj
Opioid addiction -no joke
Learned on the radio a few days ago;
Every day 78 people die only in the us from opioid overdoses
4/5 of these people became addicted through prescription opioids, either adults prescribed, or kids discovering them in medicine cabinets and using/sharing/selling
It's truly a national health epidemic
Learned on the radio a few days ago;
Every day 78 people die only in the us from opioid overdoses
4/5 of these people became addicted through prescription opioids, either adults prescribed, or kids discovering them in medicine cabinets and using/sharing/selling
It's truly a national health epidemic
SlipperFan
Addicted
“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
troy
Well-Known Member
Hahahaha... holy crap dot!!!, thats funny!!
I haven't attended a new mexico chili contest yet but know they are serious about their peppers! Seen fields of red chiles drying in the sun while driving down highway and seen lots of ristras hanging from shops. I have purchased pepper seeds from nmsu
I'm thinking about a new advertising campaign.... What do you think?
Just kidding... I don't need to get sued.
Just kidding... I don't need to get sued.
SlipperFan
Addicted
Not bad, Ray!
SlipperFan
Addicted
Joke du Jour
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care package:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
But in the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care package:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
But in the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington
A kind lady recently died of cancer in the hospital. Having been of the faith, she soon ended up standing up in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter wasn't present at the moment, so she pressed up against the bars near the gate. She soon recognized friends and family and earnestly wanted to enter.
St. Peter walked up; 'Hello, nice to see you here. At this time there is one requirement to pass through these gates: you have to tell me how you spell one particular word.'
The lady was a little nervous; imagine getting waylaid at the gates by a misspelling? 'What is the word?'
'You must spell the word 'LOVE' for me.' The lady broke out with an ecstatic smile ... 'l o v e!'
Very good! Said St. Peter, you may now enter and join with your loved ones! The lady spent a few years saying hello to everyone.
One day, St. Peter walked up to her and asked if she could watch the gates while he attended to an errand. Much to her surprise, her husband was soon standing before the gates wanting to enter! She walked up, and asked how he had been doing since she'd died. 'Tremendous! When you passed away, a kind young nurse at the hospital consoled me. Soon we became friends, and were married about a month later. She had a rich aunt who willed her millions of dollars, and after her passing we went on cruises, trips to paris, honolulu, the caribbean, and many exotic locations. We had many children as she was very energetic and fertile.... actually I died because she was too excitable and wouldn't let me rest, and my heart gave out. ... but what a way to go!'
The kind ladies' upper lip got a little stiff, but she still managed a smile. The husband said, 'What must I do to pass through these gates, dear?' She said, 'just spell one word and you can enter...
Your word is CZECHOSLOVAKIA'
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
St. Peter walked up; 'Hello, nice to see you here. At this time there is one requirement to pass through these gates: you have to tell me how you spell one particular word.'
The lady was a little nervous; imagine getting waylaid at the gates by a misspelling? 'What is the word?'
'You must spell the word 'LOVE' for me.' The lady broke out with an ecstatic smile ... 'l o v e!'
Very good! Said St. Peter, you may now enter and join with your loved ones! The lady spent a few years saying hello to everyone.
One day, St. Peter walked up to her and asked if she could watch the gates while he attended to an errand. Much to her surprise, her husband was soon standing before the gates wanting to enter! She walked up, and asked how he had been doing since she'd died. 'Tremendous! When you passed away, a kind young nurse at the hospital consoled me. Soon we became friends, and were married about a month later. She had a rich aunt who willed her millions of dollars, and after her passing we went on cruises, trips to paris, honolulu, the caribbean, and many exotic locations. We had many children as she was very energetic and fertile.... actually I died because she was too excitable and wouldn't let me rest, and my heart gave out. ... but what a way to go!'
The kind ladies' upper lip got a little stiff, but she still managed a smile. The husband said, 'What must I do to pass through these gates, dear?' She said, 'just spell one word and you can enter...
Your word is CZECHOSLOVAKIA'
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Once upon a time, an old man was fishing at a bass pond. After a few hours of fishing, he heard some splashing and a voice calling out to him - 'hello kind sir, kiss me and I will turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen!'
The old man's eyesight wasnt great and his hearing was a bit sketchy also; he thought he'd dozed off after a bit too much ripple, so just shook his head and kept on fishing.
Soon he heard again a voice speaking in earnest - 'hello kind sir, will you help me? Kiss me and I will turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen!'
This time he thought the voice was real. 'Who are you and where are you?! he cried out'
'Over here in the cattails; a wicked lady was jealous and turned me into a frog!' The man jumped off his stool and looked down into the reeds and sure enough there was a frog looking up at him.' 'Please pick me up and kiss me, i will be the most beautiful woman you have ever seen!'.
The man scratched his head for a few moments, then picked up the frog and put it/her into his pocket.
'Wait! Why won't you kiss me? I am very beautiful!'
The man shook his head and said 'Well at this point in my life, a talking frog is much more interesting!'
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
The old man's eyesight wasnt great and his hearing was a bit sketchy also; he thought he'd dozed off after a bit too much ripple, so just shook his head and kept on fishing.
Soon he heard again a voice speaking in earnest - 'hello kind sir, will you help me? Kiss me and I will turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen!'
This time he thought the voice was real. 'Who are you and where are you?! he cried out'
'Over here in the cattails; a wicked lady was jealous and turned me into a frog!' The man jumped off his stool and looked down into the reeds and sure enough there was a frog looking up at him.' 'Please pick me up and kiss me, i will be the most beautiful woman you have ever seen!'.
The man scratched his head for a few moments, then picked up the frog and put it/her into his pocket.
'Wait! Why won't you kiss me? I am very beautiful!'
The man shook his head and said 'Well at this point in my life, a talking frog is much more interesting!'
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
My wife saw this on a FB post of a church announcement board:
A pervert, a racist, and a psychopath walk into a bar...
The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"
A pervert, a racist, and a psychopath walk into a bar...
The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"
Last edited:
Southern Divorce
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. That silly man says he can't communicate with me."
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. That silly man says he can't communicate with me."
