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Ray

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His Name was "Bubba"

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... And he needed a loan, so.......

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there, in pristine condition, when I return?"
 

Lanmark

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Instead of John,
I call my bathroom Jim.
It sounds better when I say,
"I went to the Jim first thing this morning."
 

Ozpaph

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His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... And he needed a loan, so.......

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there, in pristine condition, when I return?"
I did not see that coming! LOL
 

Ray

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A friend has two tickets to the Superbowl. Box seats on the 50 yard line! Paid $2500 a piece for them, but when he bought them last year, he didn’t realize that February 4th was going to be his wedding day. If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place.

It’s at the St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Cary NC at 3 pm. Her name is Cindy, and she’s about 5’-9”, 140 pounds, and a great cook. She’ll be the one in the white dress.
 

SlipperFan

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Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this!!)

'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
 

Ray

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Hilarious! And too close to reality here...
 

cnycharles

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Arthur was celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary the other day with his wife. He started recollecting out loud to her - “You know dear, life was so different when we got married... I slept on a lumpy $5 couch, lived in a dumpy one-bedroom apt that cost $100 a month to rent, I drove a rusty $300 Buick, but I slept with my gorgeous 20 y.o. wife. Now I sleep on a $1000 mattress, live in a .75 mil$ house, drive a $75k Mercedes but sleep with a 70 y.o. woman.”

“You know dear,” said Art, it seems like you aren’t holding up your end of the arrangement!”

Art’s wife smiled very graciously. “Well, dear; I am willing to let you sleep with a 20 y.o. if you so feel the need, but I guarantee that you will then very soon again be sleeping on a $5 couch, in a $100 apt, and driving a $300 rusty Buick!”
 

Ray

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Two young business school graduates were setting up a retail store in a Florida mall. All the shelves and fixtures were in, but the inventory had not yet arrived. One turns to the other and says, “I’ll bet some old fart geezer is going to stick his head in here and ask what we’re selling”.

Sure enough, a matter of a few minutes later, and elderly man glances in, knocks on the glass, and says, “Hey fellas. What’re you selling here?”.

One of the owners responds with “We’re selling assholes”.

Without missing a beat, the gentleman responds “Business must be good. You only have two left.”
 

Ray

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An Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case there was a need for it. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a follow-up procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins!”
 

My Green Pets

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An Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case there was a need for it. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a follow-up procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins!”
wonk wonk wonk (but laughing)
 

cnycharles

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Not really a joke but

Today sitting outside in hoops working on scraping liverwort from the tops of some phlox plugs

I look down and see tiny spider running across my leg. I look up at the plug tray to pick up another plug to clean, and theres a spider running across the foliage. From the brim of my hat is another spider.

I started to think *theyre everywhere* (a famous quote from Marathon video games of old) but instead a similar phrase from American Express commercials came out
Spiders: Theyre everywhere you want to be


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

Ray

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A man suffering from Covid-19 is in the hospital, where he has IV’s and an oxygen mask.

A cute, young student nurse comes in to give him a partial sponge bath. While she is doing so, he asks “Are my testicles black?”

She is a bit embarrassed, so tells him that she is only there to wash his upper body and feet. He replies “Fine, but are my testicles black?”

Figuring that, as a nurse, she’ll see all sorts of stuff, she relents and lifts his gown. Holding his “manhood” in one hand, she uses the other to carefully inspect things, and announces that everything seems to be fine.

The man takes off his oxygen mask and says “Thank you. That was very nice, but please listen to me carefully.” Then slowly says “Are...my...test...results...back?”
 

Linus_Cello

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Article headline (I think it's up there with "Headless body found at topless bar"):

EMISSIONS
No one is owning up to releasing cloud of methane in Fla.


Published: Wednesday, July 29, 2020
It was 12 miles wide, invisible to the naked eye and traveled across six counties to Florida's largest city. And it's still unclear who — or what — was responsible.

The mysterious plume of methane, estimated to total 300 metric tons, was released north of Gainesville between May 2 and May 3, when it reached Jacksonville, according to Bluefield Technologies Inc., which analyzed data from the European Space Agency's Sentinel-5P satellite.

....
More at

 

richgarrison

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what a freakin' awesome thread... been reading from the 'bottom up' so to speak....
 

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