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goldenrose

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heard any good ones lately? I liked this one to start this thread off!
Things to Ponder.....
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

1) Cows - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, when investigating Mad Cow disease, our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

2) The Constitution - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

3) The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
 

Heather

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A young polar bear cub approached his mother one day and asked, "Mom, am I a polar bear?"
"Of course you are," she replied with a smile.

"OK," said the cub, and padded off. Later, he found his dad out by the iceberg.

"Dad, am I a polar bear?"

"Sure you are, son!" said his dad, wondering a bit at why his son would ask such a silly thing.

The next day, the cub asked the question again and again.

"Are you and mom polar bears? You are? Well, then, does that make me a polar bear? Pure, 100% polar bear?"

Finally, his parents couldn't stand it any longer. "Son, you're driving us crazy with this question! You are a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?"

"Cause I'm f'ing FREEZING!"
 
G

goldenrose

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would that belong in the outback section of this forum?
 

Hien

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heard any good ones lately? I liked this one to start this thread off!
Things to Ponder.....
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

1) Cows - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, when investigating Mad Cow disease, our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

2) The Constitution - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

3) The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
the answer to no.1 is:
1) Yes, In a perfect canniballistic society, we will be able to track all the hapless visitors, in fact they would be at the supermarket. (I know, it is a bad joke, but I could not resist when I see it involves cow)
 

Jon in SW Ohio

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There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and a guy from Ohio. All are at the urinals. The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water before he leaves. He says to the others, "In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat." The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, "At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware." The guy from Ohio zips up and heads straight to the door saying, "In Ohio, we learn not to piss on our hands."

Jon
 

Jon in SW Ohio

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A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
 
G

goldenrose

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and how's your day?

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing


your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says,
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you
pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

(I love this part....)



She answered, "Only when he's been drinking."
 
G

goldenrose

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>THE PERFECT DRESS
Jessica's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best
dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jessica was horrified to
learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as
her mother!
Jessica asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm
wearing it," she replied.

Jessica told her mother that her Dad's new wife purchased the exact same
dress for the wedding. Her Mom smiled and graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jessica asked her mother, "Aren't you going to
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you
could wear it."

Her mother just smiled again and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW !!!!
 
E

Eric Muehlbauer

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OK.......................The Man, The Pig, and The Dog:

A man gets shipwrecked on a deserted island. Just him, a pig, and a dog. The only survivors. Well, over the years, they make a good life together...enjoying the sunsets over the ocean every night. One night, the man is feeling somewhat romantic. So he reaches over, and puts his arm around the pig. Well, the dog began to growl, getting really agitated. Of course, the man got his bearings, and returned to good proper behavior. It never happened again. Then one day there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a young woman. Together, the man, the pig, and the dog nursed her back to health. They all enjoyed watching the sunsets at night. One night, the man decided he was feeling romantic again.....he reached over and put his arm around the woman.....and said...






"Do you think you could take the dog for a walk?"
 

Heather

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Hahaha!

I have a really anxious friend, I think he would enjoy that joke, Eric. Unfortunately I cannot send it to him for a few weeks, but I will try to remember it. That really struck my funny bone!
:)
 
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goldenrose

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Good one! I started this thread due to all the jokes one comes across on the internet. Some make their rounds over & over but, these are the ones I haven't heard before!
 

NYEric

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A man and his three friends were on the last hole, when the last golfer hit off the tee but drove his shot hard left into a cow pasture. He told his friends to play through and that he would meet them back at the clubhouse. They agreed and waited for their friend to show up. After a while he staggered up appearing badly beaten and disheveled; and they asked what had happened.

He explained that he went into the cow pasture but couldn't find his ball no matter how hard he searched. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a ball solidly embedded [you know where]. It was a yellow ball so he knew that it wasn't his. A women then appeared out of the bushes apparently looking for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted up the cow's tail and asked, "does this look like yours?"

And that was the last thing he remembered before he woke up on the ground! :rollhappy:
 

Jon in SW Ohio

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Well, I've been single for quite some time now so I decided to take action.
Last Friday I put an ad in the newspaper classifieds simply saying "Wife Wanted".
Sure enough when I got home today I had over 100 letters and they all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

Jon
 
G

goldenrose

Guest
Here's a new one I got today-
An Honest Woman:
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with her honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this
your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed, All Us Women
 
G

goldenrose

Guest
Scientific proof!

Subject: Scientific Proof

As Ben Franklin might have said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine (etc.) = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it
as a public service.
 

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