Joke Of The Day

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Dec 9, 2006
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Penang, Malaysia..d home of fabulous paphs.
My mothertaught me...

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get

My Mother taught me to MEET A
" What were you thinking? Answer me
when I talk to you... Don't talk back
to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

&"I f you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to
The store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'l l never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF
"When you get to be my age, you will

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you. Then
you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going
to knock you into the middle of next
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you
something to cry about."

M y mother taught me about the science
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the
back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that
spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept
through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve
PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you,
would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I
can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"

Grandma M

I LOVE IT:rollhappy::rollhappy:

I printed it out so I can give it to my kids. I had to be a kid who wrote it. So typical.

Thanks for the laugh of my day.



some call me brian
Jun 7, 2006
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Cape Cod
knock knock

{who's there?}


{o.j. who?}

okay. you can be on the jury.


:rollhappy::rollhappy: I guess we better get ready for the reurn of OJ jokes!


Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

THINGS you can say ONLY at Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your ch in.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

20. I went way too far, again!


Dec 9, 2006
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Penang, Malaysia..d home of fabulous paphs.

>Smart man + smart woman = romance
>Smart man + dumb woman = affair
>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
>A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she
doesn't need.
>A woman worries about the future until she gets
a husband.
>A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
>A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
>A successful woman is one who can find such a
>To be happy with a man, you must understand him
a lot and love him a
>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a
lot and not try to understand
>her at all.
>Married men live longer than single men do, but
married men are a lot more
>willing to
>A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.
>A woman has the last word in any argument.
>Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
>Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and
>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the
>same thing to them at funerals.



Dec 9, 2006
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Penang, Malaysia..d home of fabulous paphs.
What's in a name?

A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." she replied.

"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"

"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"



If you're a dog person this is an oldie but goodie & at times a reminder we may need -

Handle any stressful situation like a dog .....
if you can't eat it or hump it .......

piss on it & walk away!


One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears & hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,

You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites'!


Well-Known Member
Sep 14, 2006
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New York City Apartment
Got this one from web yesterday.

How the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver gets out the car..and you know how you just get so stressed and life-stuff seems so funny.. Anyway, the guy gets out and I couldn't believe it..he was a dwarf!!!

He storms over to my car, looks up to me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"

So I look down at him and say, "So which one are you?"

...and that's how the fight started!...


Dec 9, 2006
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Penang, Malaysia..d home of fabulous paphs.
crazy facts...

These should be added to the other
wonders of nature

imagine that
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and
6 days you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years
and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure
when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without
its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body
length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of
a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next
over quantity)

taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the
tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average,
nine years longer than left-handed
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split
the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that
cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that

An ostrich's eye is bigger
than its brain.
( I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot

Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once,
it's your turn to spread these crazy
facts and
send this to someone you want to bring a
smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone!
(love that pig!)


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