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It's not quite a joke but it made me laugh!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned! Send
this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail.

This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't have bad luck.
But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?
 
Men Never Listen!!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. ' Sir', she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He cou ldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its
pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. He was immediately knocked out by an excruciating pain.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.'
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles ar e now in this jar, sir.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN, DO THEY?

:rollhappy::rollhappy::D
 
Subject: New Diet





-
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of
toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy
rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty
stir fry?'

He declines again . . . . . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . . .
I'm still not hungry.' . . . .

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
 
Joke of the year.

Her nine-year-old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to
watch.

Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.

The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
The Man says: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want
to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$1,000.'

A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the
cupboard together again.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'
The Man, remembering the last time,
asks the boy: 'How much?'
The Boy says:'$5,000.'
The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.'

A few days later, the Father says to
the boy:
'Grab your ball and boots,
let's go outside and have a game.'
The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them
for$ 6,000.'
The Father says: 'That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like
that... $ 6,000 is way more than those
two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess your 'SINS.'

They go to church and the father makes
the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the
door.

The Boy says: 'Dark in here.'

The Priest says: 'Don't start that
again!'

THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR
FATHER'S HOUSE !

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:
 
Here's a new one!

Time to restart this thread - we all need a little laughter!

I've Got Your Mama!

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
______________________________
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol


Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
______________________________
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol


Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
______________________________

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol


Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

________________________________
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
 
Due to the increasing number of bear attacks lately, the parks dept. decided to start a program for all hikers to help them avoid bears.

The instructor started by advising the group that as a matter of last resort, in case a bear actually attacks, they should always carry pepper spray.

In addition theyd should never get between a mother bear and her cubs.

As a primary precaution the hikers should wear some type of warning device, such as bells, so the bears could hear them approaching and they would never surprise a bear.

They were also advised that bears a very territorial and they should be able to identify what type of bear was in the area by a bears poop.

A brown bear's poop would be well formed and contain lots of berries and other types of fruit. A grizzly bear's poop smells like pepper and has a lot of bells in it.
 
A very naive young man joins the seminery and is eventually ordained a Catholic priest. After being ordained, Father O'Malley is assigned to his first parish which happens to be in the big city. Being very excited about his first parish, he decides to walk about town visiting his parishioners on Saturday afternoon.

As it's getting dark, he looks at his watch and realizes that it's quite late. He hasn't yet written out his sermon for Sunday Mass. He starts hurrying back to his parish which takes him through the center of the red light district. Having a slow night, a lady-of-the-evening says to him "Father, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you a BJ for twenty bucks!".

Flabergasted (and not knowing what she meant), he says nothing and walks even faster back to his church. Thinking things through, he realizes that if he's gonna do a good job as a priest, he needs to understand the world around him.

"Who was that strange lady?" "What is a BJ?" "Why does it cost twenty bucks?"

As he enters the vestibule of the church, he sees Sister Maria and decides to ask her.

"Sister, what's a BJ?".

And without missing a beat, she replies: "Twenty bucks, same as Downtown".

* * *

Yes, I learned that one in Catholic school decades ago!
 
nikv said:
A very naive young man joins the seminery and is eventually ordained a Catholic priest. After being ordained, Father O'Malley is assigned to his first parish which happens to be in the big city. Being very excited about his first parish, he decides to walk about town visiting his parishioners on Saturday afternoon.

As it's getting dark, he looks at his watch and realizes that it's quite late. He hasn't yet written out his sermon for Sunday Mass. He starts hurrying back to his parish which takes him through the center of the red light district. Having a slow night, a lady-of-the-evening says to him "Father, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you a BJ for twenty bucks!".

Flabergasted (and not knowing what she meant), he says nothing and walks even faster back to his church. Thinking things through, he realizes that if he's gonna do a good job as a priest, he needs to understand the world around him.

"Who was that strange lady?" "What is a BJ?" "Why does it cost twenty bucks?"

As he enters the vestibule of the church, he sees Sister Maria and decides to ask her.

"Sister, what's a BJ?".

And without missing a beat, she replies: "Twenty bucks, same as Downtown".

* * *

Yes, I learned that one in Catholic school decades ago!
Click to expand...

LOL it was the same joke at our catholic school also few years ago :rollhappy: but at my time, inflation was already important and BJs were more expensive!
 
The importance of good spelling..

just to learn how important it is to teach our kids the importance of good orthography!
 

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Okay, this is another oldie but goody that I first heard back in the 70's. It could probably be updated to the Clinton, Bush, or Obama administrations as you see fit.

* * *

One cold January day, Richard Nixon looked out the window of the Oval Office to see that someone had urinated in the snow. Upon closer inspection, he could see that someone spelled out NIXON SUCKS in the snow. Outraged, Nixon called in the FBI to investigate.

The next day, the FBI Director comes to the White House to report his findings.

"I have good news and bad news for you, Mr President".

"Let's have the good news first", Nixon says.

"The urinalysis indicates that the sample belongs to Henry Kissinger".

Horrified, Nixon says "That's the good news? What's the bad news?".

"Further analysis indicates that the handwriting belongs to your wife, Pat".
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A classic! Actually, that joke goes way back...originating as an Appalachian folktale. Here is what I remember from the original.
Father complains to his wife about seeing his daughter's name written in the snow in urine. Says he doesn't want her boyfriend coming around again. The wife objects, thinking that it was a sweet gesture...but the father replies "It was in her handwriting!"
 
:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy: more good ones, I'm glad I started this back up!
 

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