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likespaphs

some call me brian
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as w.c. fields said, i don't drink water. fish poop in it (some think he said fish f*ck in it...)
 

NYEric

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Bump

Since Ron said I was bad I'm following through.

A couple hadn't been dating for long, when they decided to get married. On the honeymoon, the new wife said, "We don't know each other very well so there are a few things we should get straightened out." The husband agreed and asked, "OK; what about sex?" The wife replied, "Infrequently." The husband pondered a few seconds and asked, "Is that one word or two?!" :rollhappy:
 
G

Grandma M

Guest
Happy Halloween

Bed sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of

which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several

false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was

another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was

embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of

composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw

them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when

the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his

arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the

soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there,

unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard,

(barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident,

walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still

staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween ;o)
 
C

cyp8472

Guest
Bed sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of

which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several

false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was

another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was

embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of

composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw

them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when

the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his

arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the

soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there,

unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard,

(barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident,

walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still

staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween ;o)

This is the first one to really make me laugh!:rollhappy:
 

paphioboy

hehehe...
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god is crazy..hahahaha

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had
a near death
experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'


God said, 'No, you have another 43
years, 2 months and 8 days to
live.'


Upon recovery, the woman decided to
stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast
implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair
color and
brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was
released from the
hospital. While crossing the street
on her way home, she was killed by
an ambulance.

Ar riving in front of God, she
demanded, 'I thought
you said I had another 43 years? Why
didn't you pull me from out of
the path of the ambulance?'


(You'll love this!!!)

















God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
 

paphioboy

hehehe...
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Some astonishing facts
Message: Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant,
who had 8 kids already, three who were
deaf, two who were blind, one mentally
retarded , and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an
abortion?
< BR>Read the next question before looking
at the answer for this one.


Ques tion 2:

It is time to elect a new world
leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three
leading candidates.

< BR>
Candidate A - Associates with crooked
politicia ns, and consults with
astrologists . He's had two Mistresses.
He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 martinis a day.


Cand idate B - He was kicked out of
office twice, sleeps until noon ,
used opium in college and drinks a
quart of whiskey every evening.


Candidate C - He is a decorated war
hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and
never cheated on his wife.


Whi ch of these candidates would be
your choice?


D ecide first, no peeking, then scroll
down for the answer.

.

.

.
.

.

.

.

.< BR>
.

.

.

.
< BR>.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.

..





Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Ca ndidate B is Winston Churchill.

Ca ndidate C is Adolph Hitler.


< BR>And, by the way, the answer to the
abortion question:
If you said yes, you've just killed
Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a
person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new.



Remember: Amateurs built the ark.
Professional s built the Titanic.



Can you imagine working for a
company that has a little more than
500 employees and has the

Following statistics:

< BR>
29 have been accused of spousal
abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad
checks

117 have directly or indirectly
bankru pted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to
bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-
related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

2 1 are currently defendants in
lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk
driving in the last year





Can you guess which organization
this is? Give up yet?



It's the 535 members of the United
States Congress. The same group of

idiots that crank out hundreds of
new laws each year designed to keep
Americans in line. They are also the
same bunch of idiots who can do the
rest of the world. You gotta pass this
one on.
 

littlefrog

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Of course the main problem with question one is that it is thoroughly incorrect. Beethoven (b. 1770) was a second born child (his first born brother died in infancy, as did so many children of the time). He had two younger brothers who survived to adulthood. There is absolutely no evidence his mother was syphilitic, in fact given the evidence of three healthy children this is extremely doubtful.

I hate this argument so much that I have to debunk it when I see it. Some idiot makes up history and claims it is true to validate their personal opinion. Let's use real history to validate our personal opinions, at least (regardless of what they are). Not a knock on you paphioboy, that particular anecdote is so prevalent that it is accepted as fact. I just want it to go away.

My favorite joke, oft repeated. A pirate walks into a bar. Bartender says "Excuse me, sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel attached to your belt". Pirate replies, " Arrr matey! And its drivin' me nuts!".
 
M

Mrs. Paph

Guest
Hahaha, nice, might be tempted to repeat that pirate one, in appropriate company :)
 

SlipperFan

Addicted
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Of course the main problem with question one is that it is thoroughly incorrect. ... that particular anecdote is so prevalent that it is accepted as fact. I just want it to go away.
I agree. Some of this stuff goes around on the internet so much that people believe it.

I hope everyone knows about snopes: http://www.snopes.com/ -- its a great site for checking the veracity of stuff you get through email.
 
E

Eric Muehlbauer

Guest
I love Snopes! I even give the URL to my students...fantastic for debunking all the BS that turns up. After 9/11, all I heard from people were "factual" stories about plans to hit malls on Halloween, donut workers secrtly celebrating....thankfully, Snopes was there to disprove every story. And it finally gave me proof that it is not a crime to kill a praying mantis, Jamie Lee Curtis is not a hermaphrodite, and neither Frank Zappa nor Lenny Bruce challenged someone to poop on stage, and then.......................................
Eric
 
C

cdub

Guest
So....the factual solution to rumors and junk email is a website? I haven't explored Snopes probably as much as you all, but the Google banner ads make me think that website is just as credible as those emails.
 
C

Corndog

Guest
Can you explain the difference in a lawyer and a catfish?













One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish. :evil:
 

likespaphs

some call me brian
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what's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a volkswagen?




getting an elephant pregnant in a volkswagen...

ah, how i love the classics.
 
Last edited:

paphioboy

hehehe...
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Differences between women and men:

A woman was out golfing one day when
she hit the ball into the woods. She
went into the woods to look for it and
found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release
me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog
said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to
your wishes. Whatever you wish for,
your husband will get times ten!" The
woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realise
that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the
world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to".

The woman replied, "That's okay,
because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for
me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be
the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your
husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than
you. " The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the
richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third
wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."

Mora l of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.

Attention to female readers: This is the
end of the joke for you. Stop here and
continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.





















The man had a heart attack ten times
milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story:
"Women are really dumb but think
they're really smart. Let them
continue to think that way and just
enjoy the show."

PS: If you are a woman and are still
reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!
:D:D:D
 

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