Joke Of The Day

[Ray]

Redneck Striptease


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

 

[Lanmark]

^ :clap: :rollhappy: ^

A new teacher was getting to know all the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.

The first little girl said, “My name is Mary, and my daddy is a postman.”

The next child, a little boy said, “I’m Andy, and my dad is a mechanic.”

And so it went until one little boy said, “My name is Johnny, and my father works as a striptease artist in two different clubs, one straight and one gay.”

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later in the school yard the teacher approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in the local bars.

Little Johnny blushed and said, “No, he's really a banker. First he was a director of business development at Lehman Brothers and now he's a director of investments at JP Morgan Chase, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone about it.”

 

[SlipperFan]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

[Hien]

Vietnamese love to joke about and poke fun at themselves.
My eighty year old uncle is no exception, he just sent me this story, with his caption" Vietnamese, number one in the world again":
In order to bring the world attention to famine & hunger in 3rd world countries, FAO decided to organize a painting competition with the theme " The scariest starvation" . Many famous painters of the 3rd world sent their submissions with hope of getting help for the plight of their countries.
Well the day FAO announcing the 3 finalists, everyone was full of anticipation.
The third place is unveiled, all are impressed with the theme, two indians fighting for a piece of beef. The judges acknowledge that this is certainly a master piece, since it must be quite a famine to push any indian to this point.
The next one has two cambodians trying to get some bone marrows out of meatless bones.
What about our vietnamese painting. After a stunning silence, with thundering roars, the audience break out in full standing ovation.

The painting shows a shriveling ******* covered with spiderweb.

 

[Dido]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.


'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"

 

[Shiva]

I don't know if you saw that one:

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest orders it to leave immediately. The boson protests: ''But how can you have mass without me?'"

 

[Lanmark]

Jon Stewart says,

"“What better way to stand up and say ‘I oppose gay people’s right to get married’ than to head down to a Chick-fil-A, grab a-hold of two buttery buns, split ‘em open and gobble down some of that hot, greasy ****?”

:rollhappy:

 

[cnycharles]

last week a native orchid hunting friend of me recalled this recent animal sighting at their bird feeding station in their back yard..


"yesterday the wife and I were relaxing in the living room when we spotted a fairly large black bear heading towards the bird feeders. the wife said, 'there goes the suet feeder...' to which he replied 'just watch'. the bear went to put his nose up on the metal cage of the suet feeder, but he found the electric fence/zapper first. as soon as it touched the metal, it got a rude shock, fell over backwards and proceeded to run through the garden the picket fence and the surrounding woods and hasn't been seen since" :rollhappy:

gary lives near inlet, ny in the adirondacks near where he used to be a park ranger in the moose river plains wilderness area. old forge and the surrounding area of the fulton chain lake system (first lake, second lake etc) are filled with bears and deer, and campers are often feeding them. the bears are starting to break into cars and homes more and more often, and are getting more adept at opening doors the old-fashioned way - using the handles (even the car doors). there are so many animals around the streets of old forge that visitors have started asking if the town officials let out the animals from a private zoo each morning... it's amazing that with the amount of time in recent years that i've been driving and photographing orchids in the adirondacks and nearby, that I still have never seen a bear... co-worker up there has seen plenty of them not during hunting season, and even talked to one for a few minutes that was near his father's house, that sat right down in the road while phil was talking to it (I think phil was trying to talk the bear into climbing up into the back of the truck and into the freezer )

upon hearing about this animal/bird feeder encounter, friend bill in minnesota replied that he has an electric fencer setup hooked up to their bird feeder. when a squirrel is seen jumping onto the hanging feeder, a button is pressed and dc voltage courses through the metal around the feeder (and the unhappy squirrel). the rodent and a few seeds go flying, and eventually they get the message. he stated that his zapper saves hundreds of dollars of seed each year, but that it is now getting hard to find the old ford coil parts that are part of his repellent system. he doesn't leave it on all the time as the birds would get cooked as well. they don't leave suet feeders out unattended during the warm season when bears are normally around... though was intrigued about the electrical defense system around gary's suet feeder

 

[Ray]

I hate to be a technical nerd here - No I don't. That's what I am! - but a shock requires a path to ground. A bear standing on the ground and touching the metal suet cage would get it, a bird or squirrel, hanging on the cage with no contact with the ground, would not.

 

[Shiva]

I hate to be a technical nerd here - No I don't. That's what I am! - but a shock requires a path to ground. A bear standing on the ground and touching the metal suet cage would get it, a bird or squirrel, hanging on the cage with no contact with the ground, would not.

If the feeder is grounded through a wire or a metal fence, anything touching it will get a shock. The way I understand it, the power has to be on to give a shock. He has to turn it off to prevent the bird from getting a shock when they feed.

 

[Lanmark]

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul

 

[cnycharles]

I hate to be a technical nerd here - No I don't. That's what I am! - but a shock requires a path to ground. A bear standing on the ground and touching the metal suet cage would get it, a bird or squirrel, hanging on the cage with no contact with the ground, would not.

he showed me a picture of the construction with has two contacts, which the animal bridges. when a squirrel gets on the feeder, he closes the contacts until the squirrel gets off

The electrified bird feeder is courtesy of bill steele, who grows lots of cyps in minnesota

I really enjoyed hearing about your fix for the squirrels at the bird feeder, especially about tying the dead one to the tree to scare other squirrels. I have a tech fix for squirrels at bird feeders. I have electrified a commercial bird feeder by connecting it to the high voltage terminals of and ancient Ford ignition spark coil. One terminal of the coil is connected to all the metal in the commercial feeder, the other terminal is connected to a couple very large hose clamps that go around the feeder but are insulated from the other metal with some foam insulation. I am attaching a photo of the prototype. The setup in the photo worked really well, but both birds and squirrels worked at destroying the foam insulation. Subsequently, I have tried using non-foam insulation with good success. One of my indoor projects for the summer is to make a solid state driver for a car ignition coil, as the old Ford coil and its mechanical vibrator are dying. Also, the power isn't on all the time, just turned on when a squirrel is seen on the feeder

 

[Dido]

Wonderful English from Around the World


In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British
Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:


Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:


IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE

Priceless!

 

[Paul Mc]

ROFL...

Reminds me of when Electrolux (a vacuum cleaner) went to Germany. They posted billboards and did a tv campaign, and wondered why they had no sales. Apparently, their translation was something along the line of "Electrolux, we really s*ck!". LOL....

 

[Lanmark]

A man had a pit bull that hated to walk. The dog kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a bottomless pit.

 

[NYEric]

Hahaha! :rollhappy:

 

[Dido]

Little Girl On a Plane...

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" He smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"

She then went back to reading her book.

 

[Lanmark]

These jokes are all from comedian Emo Phillips:

· Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


· When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

· So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

· A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

· I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

· When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

 

[Hera]

ROFL copter!

 

[Dido]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.


'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'


'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'


'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'


So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.


Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.


Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.


'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'


Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'


'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'


Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'



'Nope..just when it's raining.'