Joke Of The Day

[nikv]

^ ^

And if he were running in the San Francisco Bay to Breakers race, he'd fit right in with all the other naked people.

 

[cnycharles]

'There was a woman whose husband was a real skinflint. He didn't trust banks, so he kept all of his money underneath his mattress, and it was all she could do to get some spare change from him from time to time.

One day, he became quite ill and died. At the funeral, she found out that her husband's will stated that all of his money should be collected and placed in his casket.

After a brief consultation with her lawyer, the wife wrote out a check for the full amount, placed it in the casket and closed the lid'

 

[Dido]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

 

[cnycharles]

I was riding with a co-worker on the state thruway yesterday, and he was telling me about a story a thruway toll collector told him recently.

"I was working in the toll booth the other day, handing out tickets out one window and collecting tolls from the other side. A man in a black corvette convertible was at the ticket window as I was making change, and he became rude and impatient. 'Hurry your a## up.. my toll is paying for your paycheck...' . After making change I politely handed him a ticket, and noticed that he had an open six-pack of beer on the front passenger seat which is of course against the law. Since he had succeeded in pissing me off, I noted his license plate number and called the state police right away (hee hee). I reported the open alcohol. The next day, a trooper stopped by the booth, and happily thanked the worker for the tip. The trooper stated that while searching the car and noting the open containers in front, they also found an ounce of cocaine (d'oh!) in his possession, and really nailed him to the wall."

the co-worker also told me that he would often meet a young friendly man/employee at the local feed store who was nice to everyone, even though they might be rude to him. the co-worker told me that he always treated the young man nicely, as he thought he might be disadvantaged or something and wanted him to feel welcome. sometime later, he was pulled over in a nearby town, and the town police officer who had pulled him over was the young man from the feed store! the officer recognized him, smiled and told him to take it easy on the road and have a nice day...

the moral of the story: don't be in such a huge rush, and be nice to everyone... you have no idea how being a jerk may come back to haunt you!

 

[Dido]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.?
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.?

Arlene: ?What in the hell is that??

Jane: ? A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.?

Arlene: Where did you get it??

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.?

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.?

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.?

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"?

The pharmacist fainted. !!?

 

[Ray]

Were you cool in high school? Are you still?

For the guys...


This little test determines how cool you were in High School based on what crowd you ran with, what car you drove, type of gal you dated...etc.) and how cool you are now based your job, home, family, friends, etc. It will let you know if you've changed since High School. It's surprisingly accurate.

Click HERE

 

[Shiva]

A friend told a woman I have never seen that I was single. Then he gave her my email. She wrote to me and said she could love any good man looking between Prince Charming and Shrek.

I wrote back: ''Oh damn! Shrek is going to win again!''

 

[annab]

every day in a pub a man drunk go where are two table and start to say• to right are all bu||**** and left are all sons of bi|ch ,for several day the story repeat at same way.
one day while drunk to start to insult people at the table : "from here are all bullshit and from there are all sons of the bi|ch " one man set at the table on the right say ,hey you ,look that I'm not bu||**** ,the drunk replay ,ok no problem , go from there to the left table.
bye from anna

 

[cnycharles]

(just read this corny joke in magazine)

"so this skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a pitcher of beer and a mop..."

 

[Dido]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 

[Ray]

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old *****!"

Touches the heart, doesn't it?

 

[Dido]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for

 

[phraggy]

Two Irishmen walking round a cemetery.Mick says that there's a bloke here who lived to be 130. Really Sheamus says what was he called----



Miles from London,

 

[cnycharles]

a little girl with bright red hair and many freckles was attending a face-painting party with her grandmother. while waiting in line to sit with the artist, some of the children in front of her teased the little girl by saying that she might as well not wait in line, because the many freckles would prevent the artist from having enough space to paint anything on her face

this troubled the little one very much, and the grandmother (not hearing the young brats' comments) noticed that she was very unhappy. grandma asked her what was wrong, and the little girl told her what the others had said, and told her grandmother that she hated her freckles.

grandma said, 'why, little one.. I think that freckles are beautiful. when I was young, I wanted to have freckles but had none. I think that you have a beautiful face!' the little girl somberly and shyly looked up into her grandmother's face, and asked her if she really meant that, to which her gm said 'yes,... can you think of anything that could be more beautiful than freckles?'

'yes', the little girl replied, now starting to smile,... 'wrinkles!'

 

[Dido]

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

 

[cnycharles]

not a joke, but funny if you think about it... I was just looking online for grower jobs listed on the internet across the u.s.;..... I found a listing for 'medical marijuana grower' in arizona, and one of the job requirements was 'the applicant must be highly experienced in growing medical marijuana'

now what makes this a little funny, is that 'medical marijuana' has only very recently become a legal thing, so someone would have to have been growing it illegally of course for a long time. I wonder if the new company requires the new grower to hand over their client list, or better yet, submit to drug testing? :rollhappy: it would be pretty funny if a business owner required their medical marijuana growers to be 'drug free' and tested them for compliance

 

[Dido]

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

[limuhead]

What a pig

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He looks at his wife and says 'This is the pig I've been sleeping with' His wife glares at him and replies 'That's a sheep you idiot' Upon that the farmer responds 'I was talkin to the sheep'

 

[cnycharles]

A Texan and an East Indian were talking about their businesses, and the Texan was talking big about everything.

The Texan asks the Indian, "Mr. Singh, how big is your farm?" Mr. Singh says, "If you see the distance to that lamppost, it's about that far long, and wide."

Mr. Singh asks Mr. Buddy, "So, how big is your ranch?" Mr. Buddy says, "If I get in my truck and drive from morning through to lunchtime, that's about how big my ranch is..."

Mr. Singh says, "I see, I used to have a truck like that once, too..."

 

[Ray]

85-year-old Bill is driving down the road when he receives a frantic cellphone call from his wife: "Bill! Be very careful out there. There was a report on the TV how one person is driving the wrong way on the interstate!"

Bill responds, "One Hell! There's hundreds of 'em!"