K
Kavanaru
Guest
LOL indeed... a wrong start in this case... 
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Eric Muehlbauer
Guest
As long as we're on the priest, minister, and rabbi jokes...............
A priest, baptist minister, and a rabbi go for a walk in the country. Passing a nice stream, they decide to go swimming....no bathing suits, so they skinny dip. Just then, the local women's group walks by. The men jump up...the priest and minister modestly covering up their private parts...but the rabbi covered his face. After the women left, the clergymen asked the rabbi why he didn't cover his privates. He replied, "I don't know about yours, but in my congregation, they recognize me by my face."
A priest, baptist minister, and a rabbi go for a walk in the country. Passing a nice stream, they decide to go swimming....no bathing suits, so they skinny dip. Just then, the local women's group walks by. The men jump up...the priest and minister modestly covering up their private parts...but the rabbi covered his face. After the women left, the clergymen asked the rabbi why he didn't cover his privates. He replied, "I don't know about yours, but in my congregation, they recognize me by my face."
NYEric
Well-Known Member
Grandma's boyfriend
>
> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
> Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
> 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
>
> Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
> I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
> The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
> ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
>
> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
> She started
> adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
> Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
> The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
>
> The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
>
> The minister fainted.
>
>
> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
> Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
> 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
>
> Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
> I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
> The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
> ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
>
> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
> She started
> adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
> Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
> The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
>
> The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
>
> The minister fainted.
>
D
Dido
Guest
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE...
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
H
Hera
Guest
:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:
NYEric
Well-Known Member
Hmmm. I may have to print that out and keep a copy with me.
D
Dido
Guest
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back:
“Computer completely *uc#*d now."
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back:
“Computer completely *uc#*d now."
D
Dido
Guest
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
=
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
=
D
Dido
Guest
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said..
'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said..
'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'
L
lipelgas
Guest
There is a Men shop where you can buy a man. At the door is instruction: "You are allowed to visit this shop only once. It has 6 floors and on every floor there are different men available. You can choose a man from the floor you are or to go to next floor, but you are not allowed to return."
A woman goes to Men shop. On the first floor there are men who has job. The woman continues to the next floor. On the second floor there are men who has job and who love kids. The woman continues to the next floor. On the third floor there are nice men who has job and who love kids. Woman thinks "WOW!", but continues. On the fourth floor there are nice men who has job and love kids and help at homework. "Almost dream!" thinks woman, but continues. On the fifth floor there are nice and romantic men who has job and love kids and help at homework. Woman is tempted to choose, but still continues - there must be something better! On the sixth floor there is a sign: " You are 6,987,877th visitor of this floor! The aim of this shop was to prove that it is not possible to please a woman! Thank you for visiting us!"
Next to Men shop is a Women shop, where you can buy women. It has also six floor. On the first floor there are women who enjoy sex. On the second floor there are rich women who enjoy sex. Nobody had ever visited floors 4 to 6.
A woman goes to Men shop. On the first floor there are men who has job. The woman continues to the next floor. On the second floor there are men who has job and who love kids. The woman continues to the next floor. On the third floor there are nice men who has job and who love kids. Woman thinks "WOW!", but continues. On the fourth floor there are nice men who has job and love kids and help at homework. "Almost dream!" thinks woman, but continues. On the fifth floor there are nice and romantic men who has job and love kids and help at homework. Woman is tempted to choose, but still continues - there must be something better! On the sixth floor there is a sign: " You are 6,987,877th visitor of this floor! The aim of this shop was to prove that it is not possible to please a woman! Thank you for visiting us!"
Next to Men shop is a Women shop, where you can buy women. It has also six floor. On the first floor there are women who enjoy sex. On the second floor there are rich women who enjoy sex. Nobody had ever visited floors 4 to 6.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
G
goldenrose
Guest
:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:
I have seen this one before, but it's still as funny as it was the first time!
I have seen this one before, but it's still as funny as it was the first time!
H
Hera
Guest
That one was definitely laugh out loud funny!
Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed hysterically, pointed and screamed, "Mommy! Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother was terribly embarrassed and said, "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture young man!"
Little Johnny was required to stay at home and read Shakespeare every afternoon for the next month. Shortly after his detention had been completed, Little Johnny's mother took him with her once again to the mall. They'd only been there a few minutes when the very same bowlegged man came walking toward them as before. His mother wondered whether or not Little Johnny had learned anything from his month of cultural training.
Indeed he had. This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, "Hark, mother dear! What manner of man is this me sees who wears his bollocks 'tween parentheses?"
His mother was terribly embarrassed and said, "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture young man!"
Little Johnny was required to stay at home and read Shakespeare every afternoon for the next month. Shortly after his detention had been completed, Little Johnny's mother took him with her once again to the mall. They'd only been there a few minutes when the very same bowlegged man came walking toward them as before. His mother wondered whether or not Little Johnny had learned anything from his month of cultural training.
Indeed he had. This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, "Hark, mother dear! What manner of man is this me sees who wears his bollocks 'tween parentheses?"
I Got Home Safe...
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
local watering hole and had a few too many shots of tequila and beer chasers.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've
never done before:
I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it
past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
local watering hole and had a few too many shots of tequila and beer chasers.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've
never done before:
I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it
past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
