kentuckiense
Debaser
Dear Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV,
Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm sure you're already plenty embarrassed and having a pretty rough night. What follows is meant as constructive criticism. I want you to learn from this experience. I want you to grow as a person.
I've spent the last 25% of my life running virtually every day. During those 5 years, I've experienced a lot of abuse from passing vehicles. Usually, they question my sexual orientation or compliment my running shorts. Sometimes they do both in the following format: "[running shorts compliment], [questioning of my sexual orientation]." However, I can't remember ever having an object thrown at me.
This is where you come in, Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV.
I had just gotten off work at about 11:15pm and was biking the 2 or 3 minutes back to my dorm. I was biking in the empty parking lane, so your pal driving the SUV obviously did not have to go out of his way to avoid me. Right as you passed, a size large fountain beverage from a convenience store hit the road about 5 feet in front of me(and of course, it evacuated its contents) and then slid into the curb. You didn't even say a word. I, however, complemented you on your throw and wished you a pleasant evening.
I don't want our relationship to just end right there. Those 2 or 3 seconds of mutual acknowledgement were, well, magical. I want you to walk away from this experience feeling like you've gained something. Therefore, I have a few suggestions for you. My catapult received second place in my physics class when I was a junior in high school, so I feel I'm qualified enough to give you some tips.
ProTip #1: If you're going for that graceful, arching throw, please take into consideration the velocity of your own vehicle. You released the beverage right as you were even with me, thus resulting in the liquid filled plastic cup hitting way in front of me. I'd suggest throwing when I'm about 5 feet in front of the SUV.
ProTip #2: Put a little more muscle into your throw. Even if you had released the cup at the proper time, it still would've only hit my pants, at best. Seeing as they were already wet from the previous 7 hours of pot/pan washing, you really wouldn't have accomplished much. I suggest a protein supplement shake every morning for breakfast, girlyman.
Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV, I think that's all for now. Remember, keep your head up. You've just got to get back up on that horse and keep soldiering on. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Until next time,
Zach
Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm sure you're already plenty embarrassed and having a pretty rough night. What follows is meant as constructive criticism. I want you to learn from this experience. I want you to grow as a person.
I've spent the last 25% of my life running virtually every day. During those 5 years, I've experienced a lot of abuse from passing vehicles. Usually, they question my sexual orientation or compliment my running shorts. Sometimes they do both in the following format: "[running shorts compliment], [questioning of my sexual orientation]." However, I can't remember ever having an object thrown at me.
This is where you come in, Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV.
I had just gotten off work at about 11:15pm and was biking the 2 or 3 minutes back to my dorm. I was biking in the empty parking lane, so your pal driving the SUV obviously did not have to go out of his way to avoid me. Right as you passed, a size large fountain beverage from a convenience store hit the road about 5 feet in front of me(and of course, it evacuated its contents) and then slid into the curb. You didn't even say a word. I, however, complemented you on your throw and wished you a pleasant evening.
I don't want our relationship to just end right there. Those 2 or 3 seconds of mutual acknowledgement were, well, magical. I want you to walk away from this experience feeling like you've gained something. Therefore, I have a few suggestions for you. My catapult received second place in my physics class when I was a junior in high school, so I feel I'm qualified enough to give you some tips.
ProTip #1: If you're going for that graceful, arching throw, please take into consideration the velocity of your own vehicle. You released the beverage right as you were even with me, thus resulting in the liquid filled plastic cup hitting way in front of me. I'd suggest throwing when I'm about 5 feet in front of the SUV.
ProTip #2: Put a little more muscle into your throw. Even if you had released the cup at the proper time, it still would've only hit my pants, at best. Seeing as they were already wet from the previous 7 hours of pot/pan washing, you really wouldn't have accomplished much. I suggest a protein supplement shake every morning for breakfast, girlyman.
Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV, I think that's all for now. Remember, keep your head up. You've just got to get back up on that horse and keep soldiering on. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Until next time,
Zach