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Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV, this thread is dedicated to you

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kentuckiense

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Dear Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV,

Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm sure you're already plenty embarrassed and having a pretty rough night. What follows is meant as constructive criticism. I want you to learn from this experience. I want you to grow as a person.

I've spent the last 25% of my life running virtually every day. During those 5 years, I've experienced a lot of abuse from passing vehicles. Usually, they question my sexual orientation or compliment my running shorts. Sometimes they do both in the following format: "[running shorts compliment], [questioning of my sexual orientation]." However, I can't remember ever having an object thrown at me.

This is where you come in, Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV.

I had just gotten off work at about 11:15pm and was biking the 2 or 3 minutes back to my dorm. I was biking in the empty parking lane, so your pal driving the SUV obviously did not have to go out of his way to avoid me. Right as you passed, a size large fountain beverage from a convenience store hit the road about 5 feet in front of me(and of course, it evacuated its contents) and then slid into the curb. You didn't even say a word. I, however, complemented you on your throw and wished you a pleasant evening.

I don't want our relationship to just end right there. Those 2 or 3 seconds of mutual acknowledgement were, well, magical. I want you to walk away from this experience feeling like you've gained something. Therefore, I have a few suggestions for you. My catapult received second place in my physics class when I was a junior in high school, so I feel I'm qualified enough to give you some tips.

ProTip #1: If you're going for that graceful, arching throw, please take into consideration the velocity of your own vehicle. You released the beverage right as you were even with me, thus resulting in the liquid filled plastic cup hitting way in front of me. I'd suggest throwing when I'm about 5 feet in front of the SUV.

ProTip #2: Put a little more muscle into your throw. Even if you had released the cup at the proper time, it still would've only hit my pants, at best. Seeing as they were already wet from the previous 7 hours of pot/pan washing, you really wouldn't have accomplished much. I suggest a protein supplement shake every morning for breakfast, girlyman.

Mr. passenger in huge black Chevy SUV, I think that's all for now. Remember, keep your head up. You've just got to get back up on that horse and keep soldiering on. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Until next time,
Zach
 

silence882

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Definitely thought this was the beginning of a Budweiser commercial.

Virginia is a concealed weapons state...

--Stephen
 

Marco

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This might sound childish but I'd look for the car and snipe at it with paintballs. :D I'd be more than happy to do it for you if you want. I'll put a home made target on it and hit everything but the target.
 

kentuckiense

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If my eyesight wasn't horrible I probably would've reported his license plate number to the police.

As soon as the cup hit the ground, my first emotion wasn't anger. For a split second, I was actually embarrassed for the guy. Come on dude, I was about 5 feet away from you.
 

littlefrog

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Have you noticed a difference between big gas guzzling SUV drivers and more environmentally friendly drivers? Perhaps the mini-car drivers would throw Evian water at you, instead of soda...

As an aside, I was again struck by the amazing incongruity of parking at my daughter's daycare. I drive an Escape hybrid (hey, I need it for moving plants or I'd have a smaller car). I routinely come out to find that somebody's parent has parked next to me with their full sized black Hummer. I almost can't open my door through the thickness of the irony...
 

kentuckiense

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littlefrog said:
Have you noticed a difference between big gas guzzling SUV drivers and more environmentally friendly drivers? Perhaps the mini-car drivers would throw Evian water at you, instead of soda...
I should've started an Excel spreadsheet when it all started. Back home, I seem to remember that most of the verbal abuse came from 16-18 year old ingrates in their 1992 Ford Probes or from slightly overweight dudes in dilapidated pickup trucks.

However, it should be noted that I've yet to experience any abuse from someone driving a Prius.
 
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PHRAG

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kentuckiense said:
... or from slightly overweight dudes in dilapidated pickup trucks.
They could just be looking for love and not know how to show it. You are an attractive guy.

*ahem* That's what the ladies say anyway.
 

kentuckiense

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Heather said:
(that's really all I have to say, except, well Z, you are kinda cute...) :rollhappy:
Heather, this thread is not for discussing my boyish good looks or my chiseled features that appear to be carved from the finest milky-white Italian marble, ok?
 

Heather

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kentuckiense said:
Heather, this thread is not for discussing my boyish good looks or my chiseled features that appear to be carved from the finest milky-white Italian marble, ok?
Oh poo...you are no fun at all!

(where is the pouting moti? John? I think we need one of those....)
 
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PHRAG

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I will find one as soon as I stop daydreaming about Zach's chiseled marble features.

Seriously, that guy needs a t-shirt that says, "I can't love you, because I only love me!"
:rolleyes:
 
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PHRAG

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It's your loss. Besides, you have been passed around the forum a couple of times and I don't roll like that.

:D
 

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